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So I did the whole graduation thing...

So apparently this past Sunday was "the first day of the rest of my life". I'm not sure how much of that bologna I believe, but I do know that a lot of things are going to change from here on out, and I couldn't be more excited. 

It took awhile for the actual reality of it to hit me, but once it did, it passed quickly. I'm so ready to close this chapter of my life and start a brand new, and hopefully better, one.

Now I'm off to the hospital to be with my sister as she has her baby (holy crap!) and then off to Boston for orientation at Simmons on Monday. 

This life is throwing me some crazy things lately, and I'm loving it.

On forgiveness...

I need to be kinder to myself, this I know for a fact. This I believe strongly, wholeheartedly.

I need to forgive myself the mistakes I make, both minor and major.

I need to be more gentle, more forgiving, more positive.

I need to take better care of my body. For, health is one of the most important things that you can have, and it should never be taken for granted. More exercise, better food. Gentle, caring, healthy.

I need to forgive myself my emotional moments, and embrace them, feel them with everything I have. It's okay to cry, it's okay to feel sorrow, pain, and fear. But by God, it's good to laugh, and it's important.

I need to forgive myself the pimples that pop up around my chin and by my nose, without fail, whenever I need to go out in public. And I need to forgive myself my slightly greasy, unwashed hair that I sport on those Sunday mornings where I just can't seem to get out of my own way.

I need to forgive myself the faded grey sweatshirt, ratty old sneakers, and plain old jeans, that have become my everyday look, on these cold, rainy mornings.

I need to forgive myself for not looking like I just walked out of a magazine, but I also need to forgive myself for spending that extra $40 on some cute new clothes, 'cause I just needed to feel pretty.

I need to forgive myself for not shaving my legs for weeks, and for feeling guilty about it.

I need to forgive myself those moments where I swear I'm one untimely giggle or strange comment away from losing all my friends, because it's important to be silly, to laugh, to be happy, and if those people can't tolerate those traits in me, (albeit sometimes annoyingly present), then they don't deserve such a sacred place in my life.

I need to forgive myself the calls that I don't make, answer, or return, and the plans that I cancel.

I need to forgive myself for feeling guilty about taking care of myself, because I can't waste all my energy fixing everyone else, and I sure as hell can't help them when I myself am such a mess.

I need to forgive myself for the deep-set fear I have about stopping my medication, and the worry that I can't take care of myself or my life without it.

Some of this forgiveness has already started to create roots inside of me, strong and unmoving, secure. Others I need to remind myself of more often, until the connection is made and the concept is understood.

But along with all that comes one simple promise, and promise to myself that I never plan to break: I will forgive myself these things. I will forgive my mistakes, missteps, and mishaps. My troubles, and blunders, and bad decisions.

I do forgive myself.

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things to note, as of late:

-- I got a $1000 dollar scholarship tonight at Senior Scholarship Night. It was way more than I expected (which was like $250 tops) and I was really proud of myself. However, I kind of wished I had participated more in Se Beowulf this year instead of slacking off and I could have been one of the three to get that scholarship as well. Also, kind of irritated at my father for implying that you "can't get ahead" with the scholarships because they deduct them from your financial aid, thus unmotivating me to apply for more scholarships.


-- Caroline got a bigger scholarship that me! $500 per semester at EMCC for four semesters, that's $2000! I was not even one ounce jealous of her. I'm so insanely proud that she got a scholarship and I loved how proud of herself she was. Especially after the choir award fiasco earlier that day. She also mentioned that this was  kind of pushing her to start college in the fall, which I think is a fantastic idea, and I really hope she gets her shit together because she has SO much potential.


-- My friend Kristin is a genius in math and science and she got a full-ride to the engineering program at UMaine, and she has a job all lined up for her when she graduates. I'm am equal parts happy for her and extremely motherfucking jealous.


-- Missy got a couple of awards, one from Mr. Kiah for sports, which she was really hoping for. That was awesome to see, because she was so excited and she really deserves it. And I almost teared up a bit when she got the one for still being an outstanding student even after overcoming obstacles. Because her dad died last spring and she missed a TON of school and she still managed to stay on top of her classes and get honors.


-- Mom showed up at the ceremony. I wasn't going to tell her about it because the card she was supposed to get in the mail came to me instead, but then I felt really guilty for at least not mentioning it. So I called her and left a message and told her that it was happening and that she could come if she wanted to, not saying I wanted her to, and of course she came. It was okay. But now she's bothering me about seeing her this weekend and going to the cemetery tomorrow after school, and I don't particularly want to deal with her.


-- I'm feeling really good about the future. I have my college plans all set up. Financial aid, scholarships, orientation. I have money, a job to be set up, work study planned, a car, a license, and I just feel like I'm on top of things lately and that makes me feel good. Of course, I still have a huge list of things to do and I get pretty anxious about it sometimes but overall I'm feeling good, and motivated, and optimistic, and that's super fucking awesome.


-- I've been off my meds for about a month now and I feel good about that too. I feel like I'm happier. Sometimes I still feeling like I'm stuck underwater and swimming for the surface but for the most part I feel like I'm handling things better even when I'm freaking out. But some of that can also be attributed to Ann and my counseling sessions, so who even knows.


-- I'm not even ready to think about not having Ann yet. Makes me super anxious and I don't want a setback.


-- I'm feeling really good about my writing lately, not that I've done much writing. But I feel the urge again, (hence this post), and it's a good feeling to have. I missed it. I know some people don't believe in writers block, and I don't necessarily either, but there was some type of blockage happening, and now I feel as if it has lifted, and that excites me.


-- Super stressed out about money, and how I keep spending it, and how I've gone so far away from my checkbook that it's nearly impossible to think about balancing it. Also kind of irritated lately with Caroline/Luke (mostly Care) about spending my money all the time, and acting as if I'm rich, and possibly using me for transportation.


-- I'm so fucking ready to be done with school that it's not even funny. However I know when senior banquet, graduation, and project grad come around I will get super nostalgic and start bawling like a baby. I can already determine the exact feeling that I will have. But for now, I'm just looking forward to the end. And that's enough for now.

~~~

(It's disgusting how much of a teenager I sound like in this post... but I'm not particularly complaining, because I am a teenager and I'm done trying to rush my future.)

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